In talking to other guys in their 20s who also struggle with the addiction to porn, lust and masturbation, I was amazed to see how many other guys also struggled with this same addiction.  My story starts as a teenager who found some magazines and videos in my parent’s closet.  I was naturally curious with the images and acts I found suddenly before me. I somehow knew that it was wrong, but I was still drawn to it. It became something where any time I was alone I would find myself going back to these images. It initially was ‘curiousity’ that drew me to these images, but I began to realize that for the time I was looking at this stuff I felt good and did not feel any of the isolation I felt elsewhere in my life. Afterwards I felt guilt and shame, but for the time I looked it was my own little escape from reality. Throughout middle school and high school I found myself turning to the lust, pornography, and masturbation as a crutch to deal with any isolation or other issues I was feeling or dealing with. This whole time I felt I was living a double life; one as the good Christian boy who seemed to have everything going for him, and then the other isolated person who had a dirty little secret. 

As I grew up I always knew this was wrong, and several times I would try to get rid of this addiction.  After many tries I learned that I was not able to beat it on my own.  In my late teens it turned from just the porn and masturbation to lusting with others and relationships which would often start off pure and innocent, but would end up in sexual temptation and pain. Throughout this time I would be able to ‘stand strong’ and go without the porn and put together small stretch of a few days on end, even perhaps out to a month or two, but the struggle was not gone. Although I was able to be clean for a little while, my heart was not changed, and I was ‘technically sober’, but I still was not by any means clean and free from my addiction.  I felt alone in this struggle, but when I turned to the porn I never felt rejected by the images of girls on the internet. This was great for the time I spent with it, but lead to more of a feeling of isolation when it was over.

Returning to the first sentence of my story, I learned that we are not alone in this struggle!  This is totally a lie of Satan, the great deceiver himself. The shame and guilt I felt after I would fall, again, guess whom that comes from?  I began to talk to some others and realize that I really did have a problem with this.  I have met a great group of guys who are willing to walk with me through this. In the past I have had ‘accountability partners’ which I have looked at more as jail keepers who are willing to whack me upside the head when I screw up. True accountability is having a group of guys there with me who are walking together with this struggle, side by side as soldiers fighting this addiction together.

I will admit that there are times where I struggle yet, but it is by the grace of God where I am able to just receive God’s forgiveness. This is not something I have to ask for Christ to grant for me, as it is something which He has already done; I just need to receive this grace he holds outstretched to me. I cannot do anything to earn it, as it is already done.  I have gone from finding my identity in the addiction to knowing that I am God’s boy and the he loves me unconditionally.  Now I no longer spend hours on the internet looking at the porn multiple times a day, but have found freedom in Christ through the help of my brothers.